The Only Hope for Me is You Alone
by Xxthe disreputable dogxX
Summary: Eli thought he was barely making it. hardly coping. He didn't think he was doing that well, and to be honest, he wasn't. Compared to Clare though... How can he be the one to help her get herself together, when he himself feels broken?
1. 1 The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You

(okay. so i was listening to my music last night while i was watching the last episode of degrassi that i had recorded, and i thought of this. its not the best, and probably needs loads of editing, but oh well. anyhow. the only italicized stuff is a song (the jetset life is gonna kill you by my chemical romance) the bold is whats going on, and the bold and italicized stuff is kind-of Eli's thoughts at the moment or whats going though his head. anyhow.)

i dont own the song. i dont own degrassi. and i dont really own much o.O

_**The Only Hope for Me is You Alone**_

Chapter one. _The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You_

_Gaze into her killing jar **  
><strong>I'd sometimes stare for hours.  
>She even poked the holes so I can breathe.<em>

**Sitting on the curb, bright lights glowed all around. The rain has subsided, leaving trails of water running down the street, the iridescent oils glowing in swirling rainbows as they dissipated. Eli held his head in his hands, his long, damp, dark hair clumping between his fingers as it hung down. His eyes were red, and they stung yet tears would no longer fall. His voice was hoarse, yet he had not screamed. _She's gone_. It ran through his mind over and over._ She's gone. She doesn't want me. _Feet beside him was Morty, finally drivable after what he had done._ What he had done for her._ The front, although the paint was damaged and it was still dented severely, no longer was crushed in. The giant V shaped dent from hitting the pole was gone, it had been worked on and repaired. That night, although months ago, ran through his head, over and over. _"I think we need time apart" No. They didn't. Why would she... why would Clare do this to him.._**

_She bought the last line.  
>I'm just the worst kind.<br>Of guy to argue.  
>With what you might find.<br>And for the last night I lie.  
>Could I lie with you?<em>

"_**You're such a manipulator Eli!" she screamed at him. He wasn't manipulating her, he loved her. Why would he try to hurt her? **_**He sat on the curb, **_**their**_** bench behind him. He stared at his untied shoelace, searching for something distracting enough to take his mind off of her, to keep the tears that stung at his eyes when he thought of her at bay. He looked around, seeing the few people that remained on the streets at this hour walking around. Laughing. Happy. He grimaced as a couple walked by, giggling and holding on to each other. Looking further down the street, he saw the oh-so familiar jean jacket, with curling brown hair hanging down just reaching it's collar. **_**Clare. How he wished to run up and hug her, to smell her hair, to feel her arms tighten around his waist.**_

_Alright..._  
><em>Give up. Get down.<em>  
><em>Its just the hardest part of living.<em>  
><em>She wants. It all to come down this time.<em>

**He fought with himself, she hadn't spoken to him, hadn't seem him since the night in the hospital. The night he needed her. She was walking alone, probably heading back from a movie with Alli, or something of the sort. He rolled one of his rings in his hand, arguing with himself. Standing, he paced back and forth. As he thought, she walked further and further away, and looking after, he felt his heart catch. He sprinted in her direction, boots splashing in the small puddles that were marks of the recent rain. He caught up with her, and slowing down he froze. **_**What would he say, what **_**could **_**he say. **_**"Clare", he spoke, his voice cracked and dry, the hollow sound filled with the tears that had fallen. She froze, her body tensed. She spun slowly, her eyes closed as if that would make the situation go away. "Clare..." He spoke, surprise leaking into his voice as he absorbed her appearance. **

_Lost in the prescription she's got something else in mind.  
>Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte.<em>

_**He was shocked, she must have looked as bad as he felt. Hey eyes were red and puffy, and her makeup was smeared from wiping away her tears. **_**She breathed in, opening her eyes and looking at him, her porcelain face betraying no emotion. Running her hand through her hair and pushing it behind her ear, she then let her hand drop and crossed her arms loosely under her chest, pulling the jacket tightly closed around her. "Eli", her voice breaking with only slightly more emotion than her expression did. A slight bruise was brushed along her her cheek, already healing and hidden by makeup. **_**He froze. He wanted to comfort her, to ask what was wrong and what happened, could he still do that though?**_** "Clare... wha- how are you", He stuttered, worried he was crossing boundaries he didn't know existed. "I'm fine.." she glanced downwards as she spoke. **_**He loved that voice, despite the coldness that lingered, he wanted to hear her voice. **_**Her sadness encouraged him, "Whats wrong.. even though we haven't spoken in weeks, I can tell. What is it thats bothering you?" She avoided his gaze. They stood in silence for a moment, she staring at the ground and he staring at her. "Clare", his voice cut the silence like a razor. **

_It gives the weak flight.  
>It gives the blind sight.<br>Until the cops come.  
>Or by the last light.<br>And for the last night I lie.  
>Could I lie next to you?<br>_

_**He could tell something was wrong, she was never like this, not any of the times they has fought, not even when she and her parents fought. **_**He took a step forward, getting closer to her. She flinched momentarily, and despite her hope he hadn't seen, he had. "Why are you talking to me, Eli", she said as she glanced over his appearance, seeing the scar on his face from the wreck, and noting he still favored his right leg over the left which had been broken. Her face was pale, even more so than he remembered, her face was shallow and thin, and her curly hair hung lifeless around her face, only dimly reflecting the streetlights. Her sparkling blue eyes shone with a sadness that was never present before. **_**He wanted to hug her, nothing more. All he wanted was to hug her again, he missed that. He missed being able to kiss her soft pink lips as well, but even more than that he missed being able to comfort her.**_

_Alright...  
>Give up. Get down.<br>Its just the hardest part of living.  
>She wants. It all to come down this time.<em>

"**Whats wrong", concern crossed his face. "I'm fine" she said coldly, but the break in her voice showed otherwise. "Clare.. please. Please tell me what is wrong", He spoke slowly, carefully. Her stony expression began to break, the corners of her eyes filled with tears. "Nothing! Eli, nothing is wrong! And if there was something wrong, it would be none of your business!" As she spoke she tugged the corners of her sleeves down and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Clare! Stop! I want to help you!" Her oceanic eyes welled with more salty tears as she spoke, her voice soft and breaking now, "Please.." As the words escapes her mouth she began to fall, her legs buckling underneath her. Her knees hit the cement, splashing in the water. Eli jumped forward and grabbed her by the shoulders to prevent her from falling face first onto the cold ground. He dropped with her, taking her in his arms and holding her close against his chest.**

Pull the plug.  
>But I'd like to learn your name.<br>And holding on.  
>Well I hope you do the same.<br>Awww sugar.  
>Slip into this tragedy you've spun this chamber dry.<p>

_**He had to help her, she denied his offers, but now... she laid in his arms, her breath shallow and her eyes fluttering closed. **_**He took off his black leather jacket, and wrapped it tight around her. The thick garment already warms from his body heat. He stood up gently, and took her in his arms again. Trying to help her stand, her legs were shaking and she was nearing falling once more. Quickly picking her up, feeling an unusual lightness, he walked to the passenger door of Morty, and while supporting her on his leg and with one arm, he quickly swung the door open. Setting her in the seat, he buckled the seatbelt around her. ****_It was late, and through his mid he saw the flash of Julia, blood pooled around her, laying broken beside the road. The flash of police lights all around, blinding him. He wouldn't anything like that happen to again, he could not be responsible for Clare's death as in his minds eye he was for Julia's. _He walked around the cars and sat in the drivers seat, sticking the key in the ignition and turning it, listening to the car roar to life. He turned heater on, feeling the coolness when he had touched Clare. He turned the music on quietly, and the sound of Gerard Way belting out the last lines of I Don't Love You filled the car, and Eli grimaced with the cruel irony of the moment. **

_Alright...  
>Give up. Get down.<br>Its just the hardest part of living.  
>She wants. It all to come down this time.<br>_

_**Driving closer to his hope he silently hoped that CeCe and Bullfrog were gone tonight, he didn't want to explain why after weeks of isolation from each other, they suddenly were near each other again. He himself was still unsure of the terms that they were on with each other.**_** The car stopped feet away from the steps to the front door of Eli's house. Leaving Clare sleeping in the car for a moment, he unlocked the door and walked to his room. The lock that had once kept his room concealed from all was gone, all part of the therapy he had gone through after that night. He walked in, and he felt a rush of panic. Band posters plastered the walls and the carpeting was a deep red. Every time he walked in his room, he felt the loss of everything he had thrown out.****_ With Clare's help. Part of him, the part that couldn't get over Julia, hated her for making him clean out his room, but another part of him lover her even more for it. He knew he needed to get rid of it, to rid himself of the guilt and memories, and she was by his side, helping him with it._ The condition of his room had not improved, in fact it had worsened slightly, since Clare had stopped helping him clear it out. He walked over the bed, quickly transferring the CD's and comics and magazines there to the table beside it. He walked back outside to the hearse, and opened the door, to see Clare sitting there, knees pressed up to her torso. She was digging through her purse, and stopped as Eli opened the door. Taking the purse and wrapping his other arm around her, they walked shakily to the door and up the steps to his house, leading her to his room. **

_Pull the plug.  
>But I'd like to learn your name.<br>And holding on.  
>Well I hope you do the same.<em>

_**She looked so tired, so exhausted. She looked sick. **_**He laid her down on the bed, using the pillows to support her attempt to sit up. He rifled through his drawers and pulled out a pair of black sweatpants and a loose gray t-shirt and left it folded on the bed besides her. He left her there, but he set her purse far out of her reach. He went to the kitchen and quickly prepared a mug of tea, and brought it back to her, the steam swirling in intricate swirls out of the cup. He came back into the room and sat the mug on the small clear area on the bedside table. When he walked back in Clare was sitting, her face tinged slightly pink with warmth. While he was out of the room she switched clothes into the ones he left out, leaving her clothes, still slightly damp from the rain, in a pile on the end of the bed. Picked up her purse and sat next to her, and he put his arm around her, not romantically, simply for the comfort of touching another person. "Clare", he spoke softly, "Show me what is in your purse, what were you digging for?" She looked down, and began to reach into her bag. As she did this, Eli gasped and lightly took her forearm in his hands. She tried to pull away but he kept her from moving it. She gasped as he tightened his grip to keep her from moving. ****_Why. Why would she do this to herself. _Lining the soft, pale skin of her forearm, was an array of lines, ranging from pale white to shiny pink, to the most recent, red lines, small bullets of blood running down her arm. With that, Eli took the bag and dumped it onto the bed. Her wallet fell out, and besides that a small black bag. He opened the bag, and inside of it was a pill bottle, nearly empty, and a razor in a small plastic case. Reading the label on the prescription he saw it was a powerful anti-depressant. _One that wasn't working_. Looking more at her arm, and how some of the most recent cuts were deep, deep enough that he was worried. Combining this with her paleness at the moment, he spoke as he stood,"Clare... we're going to the hospital. Right now." **

_Awww sugar... _**  
><strong>

_**He thought she would be doing better... better than he was at least. He thought he was a mess, still having days where he didn't know if he would be able to stand up or do anything due to the crippling loneliness inside of him, yet here he was, seeing one of the most put-together people he ever knew, a complete mess and broken. How could he help her, if he could hardly help himself.**_

__(i might continue this if i have at least a few people who read it and like it, i have some pretty good ideas of how to continue this, and how to keep the song theme with it.)  
><em><br>_


	2. 2 Our Lady Of Sorrows

(okay, Chapter Two. I probably won't be able to post a chapter a day or anything, but i've been kinda down lately, and my venting lately has been in the form of writing. so i'll try to post as often as i can, which may be slighty difficult as finals are next week... i actually finished this last night but my computer ended up completely deleting the original document. so i had to rewrite it. so. ta-da.)

i don't own Degrassi, and i don't own the song Our Lady Of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance. and still... i dont own much at all o.O

_**The Only Hope For Me is You Alone****  
><strong>_

_Chapter Two. Our Lady Of Sorrows_

"**Eli, no please... I can't g-", she stuttered, begging for him not to make her go. He cut her off, "You're bleeding, you are not okay, you need help. You need to. I'll drive you the-". "No!", she shouted, her voice frantic, "It's not bleeding that bad." He looked at her, doubt written across his face. She continued, "Please.. just grab paper towels and some gauze, I can take care of this. I promise." He stared at her a moment, her eyes begging with his. Standing up, the bed rose slightly, the springs in the mattress screeching. He walked from the room, striding out the door with his head lowered. He walked down the hall to the bathroom, and began searching through the cabinets. Clare heard slight movements in the next room, then heavy footsteps as Eli made his way back. He walked in with a bottle of rubbing alcohol in one hand, and a roll of white gauze in the other, tucked under his arm was a half used roll of paper towels. He sat these on the bed in front of her as he sat down, the springs once again squealing their protests and he sat closer to her. Her eyes looked down on the things before her, and then she shut them, a single tear leaking down her face. "Take them, and take care of your arm, before I have to figure out how to do it myself.", he said. She obliged and began soaking a paper towel in the harsh smelling rubbing alcohol. She looked at the paper, then began to dab at her skin.**

_We could be perfect one last night _

_And look like star-crossed lovers when we fight_

_And we can settle this affair If you would shed your yellow take my hand _

_And then we'll solve the mystery of laceration gravity _

_This riddle of revenge please understand it has to be this way and_

**Clare's face cringed with pain as the rubbing alcohol touched her broken skin. Eli's arm was wrapped lightly around her, his fingers rubbing soothing circles on her shoulder as she wiped the blood off her arm, turning the paper towels a pale, washed out, rusty red. _He closed his eyes, it hurt him to see her in this much pain. Self-inflicted, yes. But still. _Wrapping the last of her arm in the paper white gauze, she kept her eyes down and she spoke, her whispers barely audible, "You still love me.. Don't you?" Eli's hand froze on her shoulder and his body tensed, he wanted to tell the truth, pour his entire heart out into this answer, but his voice stayed emotionless and calm as he replied, "I can't. And you know I can't Clare", he kept his eyes trained on a poster across the room. "Thats a lie", She looked at him, her voice and eyes filled with question, with pleading. "Clare. When I told you 'I love you' you pushed me away", his voice shot up, "I couldn't take that, I was shattered. Remember? You said we "needed time" Remember? I couldn't take that. You pushed me away, and when I tried to keep you with me, I broke down. I still have scars and two pins in my leg to prove it!" His tone was filled with hurt, and his eyes, pain. Clare was taken aback, the venom in Eli's voice cutting her to the bone, more painful than any of a razor pushed to the skin, "E-Eli... I was afraid. I was afraid of what happened with KC happening again, he said he loved me, and we fell apart because of another girl. I was afraid", she paused, then quietly added, "Especially with Julia still on your mind." She looked at him, and tears were welling in his forest green eyes. He looked at her, his gaze not breaking from the oceans in her eyes, "I can never forget Julia, but I can't forget you either", gently stroking her face.**

_Stand up fucking tall_

_ Don't let them see your back_

_ Take my fucking hand_

_ and never be afraid again_

**Clare winced, and pulled away, and confusion flashed briefly across his face before he realized he brushed the bruise that dusted across her cheekbone. Bulling his hand away, concern crossed his face once more. "How did that happen" he questioned softly. She pulled herself away, and stared downwards, avoiding his gaze, "Nothing,i just.. I'll tell about it later... maybe". "Clare..", Eli spoke, his frustration obvious. "Ill tell you about it later.. I can't talk about it now.", she was determined to not talk about it. _She was playing mind games. She was playing with his heart. She wasn't necessarily hiding this from him, she admitted something happened, yet still she was still concealing what it was. _He sat still, and felt her head sag against his shoulder, her breath evening out and slowing down, a sure sign she was falling asleep. Listening to the calm beating of her heart and feeling the slight rise and fall of her chest, he rested his head back against the headboard, sighing.**

_We've only got once chance to put this at in end_

_and cross the patron saint of switchblade fights_

_ You said we're not celebrities, we spark and fade, they die by threes _

_I'll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition_

**Eli silently and carefully extracted his arm from behind Clare's sleeping form. Gently, he rested her head on a pillow, her curls splaying around her head in a halo. He pulled the quilt that laid folded at the foot of the bed up, laying it over her body. He ran his fingers along the white gauze on her arm, his touch feather-light. In her sleep, her injured forearm twitched, causing Eli to pull his hand away quickly, terrified that he may have hurt her. Her body once more relaxed and he sighed. He stepped quickly out of the room, knowing Clare would not wake for a while. He walked down the hallway silently, wondering to himself when CeCe and Bullfrog would arrive home, sometimes they stayed away for nights, but he never knew._ He knew even less now as he avoided them. He didn't just avoid them, he avoided everyone._ Swinging the door to the kitchen open he walked inside. His thoughts wandered. Walking over to the counter, he pulled something from the drawers below and set it on the cool stone counter with a metallic click. His head hanging down, he braced himself with his hands splayed on the cold counter. _Why was Clare like this. He was the one who should be broken. The one who had to cut to feel something. The one who was a mess. He knew he was, but he could never let Clare see him like that, especially when she was like this. He thought to how he felt when he saw her arm, he felt shocked. Ashamed of himself in a way._ He pulled of his wristband, metal studs gleaming in the dull kitchen lighting, and set it on the counter before him. He rolled up his sleeve and stared at his skin. There was a patch of pale skin, where he always wore his wristband. Standing out on the already pale skin were thin streaks of white, raised just slightly from the skin. Many marks criss-crossed that small pale area. Eyes scanning the length of his forearm, he looked at the slightly wider line, the single one that ran from the crease of his elbow to the blue veins pulsing in his wrist. **

_Stand up fucking tall _

_Don't let them see your back_

_ Take my fucking hand _

_and never be afraid again_

**Eli closed his eyes tightly, his fingers brushing the cool metal that laid before him. _He did this to himself. He felt like such a hypocrite. How could he sit and tell Clare she was wrong, that what she did was bad, when at the moment he himself felt like dragging the glistening metal across his wrist, the feeling burning through his body. To see the tears of blood that his wrist would shed. Why did he have to be the strong one._ He took the small piece in his hand, moving it side to side, the light reflecting with each movement. He sighed, and pulled open the drawer and set it back in. _As soon as she was gone, as soon as she was okay, he could do it. He would, feel the comfort that could strangely be found in the physical pain._ Inhaling deeply he opened his eyes. Hearing light footsteps and soft breathing behind him, he turned to face Clare, he face pressed against the door frame. Walking over to her, Eli wrapped his arms around her shoulders, setting his chin lightly on her head. Her messy hair was everywhere, and he inhaled deeply, the sweet scent comforting him. A few tears trickled down his face, out of sight of Clare. Wiping away the salty droplets from his cheeks, he brushed Clare's hair behind her ear.**

_Trust, you said _

_Who put the words in your head_

_ Oh how wrong we were to think _

_That immortality meant never dying_

"**Eli", Clare said, barely audible as she was taking into his chest. "Hmm?" he hummed, the vibrations rumbling through his chest. He felt her sigh, then say something so quietly he couldn't understand. "What?" he asked calmly. "It.. It was my mother", Clare said, her voice quivering. His body tensed, and he held her away at arms length, looking into her eyes. Rage flashed through Eli's eyes._ Red slightly blurred his vision, anger welling up inside of him. How could Helen? The one supposed 'safe' place for Clare. Safe from drama, safe from harm, had been ripped away. How could she, the person Clare was supposed to talk to, to find comfort in. _Clare watched nervously at the emotions flooding through Eli's face, she felt his arms wrap back around her, almost uncomfortably tight. Through clenched teeth, Eli spoke quietly, "We are going, right now. I am going t-". "No!", Clare protested, her voice loud in the empty house. "Clare?" He questioned, his steely gaze falling up her down turned face. "Not now, I mean. I have to.. I have to decide what I'm going to do. I just can't! I can't do that right now", Her voice was breaking again. Softly running his hands through the back of her hair, he tried to calm her "No.. No.. its fine.. I understand.. when you can do this though, I'll be there too." He felt his shirt become slightly damp from the tears that had begun to roll down her face.**

_Stand up fucking tall _

_Don't let them see your back _

_Take my fucking hand _

_and never be afraid again_

_**Her own mother, he had to help her. Even if Clare didn't love him, he couldn't bear to see her like this. If he just let her be, she would never take a stand against her mother, he had seen her be pushed around far too many times to think she would have changed. He would have to be the one to help her, and it was killing him that he couldn't get over her.**_

(it honestly made my day that people actually read the first chapter, and i got a review ^.^. just thought i would let you know that that made me smile)


	3. 3 This is How I Disappear

(Chapter 3. this was actually really difficult to write and i kept getting distracted by people and stuff. so if it sucks sorry. there is alot of flash-back type stuff in this chapter and its in the italicized and bold stuff. so yea.)

I do not own degrassi or the song This is How I Disappear by my chemical romance.

_Chapter 3. This Is How I Disappear_

**Eli walked Clare back to his room, her face showing her exhaustion. He was supporting her, and she wobbled slightly as she nearly fell asleep. Pulling the sheets back on his bed, she collapsed in the soft cushions. Her eyes closing as her head hit the pillow, Eli pulled the blankets up to her neck. _He would love to sleep next to her, to hold her. But something in his mind held him back, kept him from getting too close. _He closed the door, leaving a sliver of the dark room showing. If Clare needed him, he would be able to hear her. He walked back to the kitchen, falling into one of the wooden chairs at the dinner table. He was exhausted too, and worried about Clare. _He wanted to comfort her as much as he could, but he wasn't sure how long he could keep it together. For the first time in weeks, he had felt the urges to slit his wrists return, the thoughts burying themselves like arrows in his head. He tried to forget the razor that was in a drawer mere feet from him. _He sighed, burying his head in his arms on the hard wooden table. His wristband, still off his wrist, lay on the counter a few feet from him. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, the slightest trace of Clare's sent still on his jacket. Closing his eyes, he let exhaustion consume him and he fell asleep, visions of Clare bleeding and broken haunting him below his closed eyelids. **

_Go!  
>To unexplain the unforgivable drain all the blood,<br>and give the kids a show.  
>By street like this dark night, a seance down below,<br>there's things that I have done,  
>you never... should ever know!<br>_

**Eli awoke to the slightest touch. One arm was tucked beneath his head, acting as a makeshift pillow, and the other was splayed out before him, the sleeve still rolled up to the elbow. His eyes darting around, he saw Clare sitting in the chair besides his, her hair in wild curls around her face, and her hand running gently up and down his forearm. Her eyebrows were knitted together. Eli pulled his arm back from her, then he leaned back, stretching and trying to rid himself of the sleepiness that weighed on him. Rolling his arms, he yawned widely and turned to Clare. "Good morning, sunshine" he said through his yawn. "Morning" she said softly. He looked at her, she looked terrible, the remainder of her makeup smeared across her face and her eyes had dark bags under them from crying the night before. A slight frown crossed her face and Eli noted it, "Whats wrong?" "Eli..." her voice was low and filled with and emotion Eli couldn't quite decipher, "What happened to your wrist?" Panic crossed his face and he pulled his sleeve down. _She saw his scars, she knew he was a hypocrite, she knew he was weak. _"Clare.. It.. It's nothing. Just nothing, okay?" He seemed to be trying to convince himself too. Clare began to unwrap her arm, revealing similar scars to his. "Nothing?" she questioned, her eyes drilling through him. "Clare..." his voice was weak.**

_And without you is how I disappear  
>and live my life alone forever now.<br>And without you is how I disappear  
>and live my life alone forever now.<br>_

_**Why was she so mad at him for this, he never said he didn't do this. And it wasn't like she didn't understand, the marks on her wrist proved that much. **_**"Why?", her voice was harsh. "Clare. It's none of your business. Let it be." he said, trying his best to keep any harshness out of his voice. ****"It's every bit my business, how is it you can tell me not to do something when you do?" she was getting frustrated with him. "If you'd notice, are there any new cuts there? No. they're all old scars, and you never asked me if I did it. And I told you it's wrong because it is, why do you think I stopped?" his voice was raising slightly despite his fighting against it. _It was wrong. But he still wanted it. He knew it was wrong, unlike Clare, and he didn't care anymore. She was putting him through hell right now, his mind was fried, and he knew to clarify it all he had to do was drag the metal across his wrist lightly, not enough to cause serious damage, just enough to draw the crimson tears from the pale skin._ She shook her head, "You don't understand". "You think I don't understand why you do this? I think you don't understand why I did this either, or how much it took for me to stop. To get over it. To get over you", he finished his sentence coldly. Clare's face was filled with hurt, "Fine then. Just Fine." She stood up, throwing the chair back with enough for to have it land on its side away from the table. She stormed away, and Eli distantly heard the front door swing open then slam close, followed by a scream of what seemed to be "I HATE YOU". **

_Who walks among the famous living dead,  
>drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed.<br>And if you could talk to me, tell me if it's so,  
>that all the good girls go to heaven.<br>Well heaven knows_

_**She was gone, once again. She was furious with him, for something she had no right to be. Just like Julia. **_**Eli's eyes were closed tight, memories flooding him.**_** They were sitting in the hearse, sitting motionless at the side of a road. "Julia... Who is he." Eli questioned softly, sadness echoing in his weary voice. Julia, in full defense, screeched back at him, "No one! And if you loved me, you'd believe me!". "How can I believe you when you were practically shoving your tongue down his throat!" Eli's voice raised more and more with each word. "Liar!", Julia shouted. "Liar? You think **_**I'm**_** the liar? No. I don't believe you. I th-" Eli was cut off. "No! You do-" she protested. "Shut up! Just. Shut. up. Leave. I don't want you here if you can't even tell me the truth." he said, his voice ringing with finality. The door slammed shut as Julia got out of the car. Shaking his head, Eli started the car, and drove away. In the rear view mirror he could see Julia glaring at the car as it sped away. Hours later, the phone rang and he answered, and he could hear the voice of a sobbing woman over the phone. Although he couldn't understand much, he caught bits and pieces of it, "Julia... car crash... critical condition...". His breath caught, and he jumped in Morty, and sped down the road to the hospital. **_

That without you is how I disappear  
>and live my life alone forever now.<br>And without you is how I disappear  
>and live my life alone forever now.<p>

**Tears were now streaming down Eli's face, the drops splattering onto the wooden table.**_** Eli ran through the hospital, the slap of his boots hitting the floor echoing in the empty halls. The sterile smell stung his nose. Stopping at the room he knew was hers, he inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. He walked in upon a roomed filled with her family, all of them had tears streaming down their faces. Her mother turned to him, her eyes red, and she spoke almost silently, "She's dead". Those words would forever echo in his head. She's dead. **_**He always knew it was his fault, he yelled at her, he told her to leave, he killed her. **_**He left her family crying in the hospital room, he didn't even try to see her. He knew that she wouldn't have wanted him near her. He drove home, slowly in **__**the rain that was now falling. As he slowed to a stop in front of the building he saw that no one was home yet. Digging around the drawers, he found what he was looking for. He grabbed it and walked calmly up to his bedroom. He locked the door behind him and sat with his legs crossed beneath him on the bed. He rolled up his sleeve and removed the wristbands he wore there. **_

_Can you hear me cry out to you,  
>words I thought I'd choke on, figure out.<br>I'm really not so with you anymore; I'm just a ghost.  
>so I can't hurt you anymore,<br>so I can't hurt you anymore!  
><em>

_**He took the small razor in his hand and put it to the skin of his wrist. He pulled it across the skin side to side a few times, the blood beginning to stream down his arm the the pain burning through his body. Looking down, he felt a numbness run through him, the blood running over his arm not bothering him. Putting the tip of the razor at his wrist, he pressed hard, the scarlet red pouring from the wound immediately. Not lifting it, he pulled it down his arm in a fluid motion, splitting the skin from wrist to his elbow. The blood poured from his arm onto the bed, staining the sheets. He felt lightheaded, his vision go foggy. He closed his eyes and leaned back as he heard the front door close. "Eli?" he heard Cece yell. Slipping into the black, he heard her calling his name. **_

_You wanna see how far down I can sink, let me go, FUCK!  
>So you can, well now so you can<br>I'm so far away from you,  
>Well now so you can<br>_

**Eli sat up, trying to keep himself from sobbing. He stood up from the table and walked calmly to the door._ Julia had died and that tore him apart, he couldn't let Clare die too. She had tried her hardest to make him happy, to keep his thoughts from lingering on Julia. _He got into Morty and started it up. He drove slowly, his eyes scanning the streets for Clare. He had barely driven 3 blocks when he saw her, sitting on the curb with her head buried in her hands much like he had been the night before. He stopped in front of her and rolled down the window, "Clare, please get in the car. Please.. I didn't mea- I'm sorry.." She looked at him with the expression of a lost dog and slowly stood and got back in the car, "I'm sorry. Eli." "Clare" he said looking straight into her eyes, "Don't leave again.. please."**

_And without you is how I disappear,  
>and without you is how I disappear<br>_

**He turned around and began to drive back. Passing his home, he kept driving on. Clare looked at him questioningly and he simply replied, "We're going to talk to Helen." Panic crossed her face and he tried to soothe her, "It will be okay, I will be right there. You're not staying there, my parents have offered you to stay at our house before, and they won't have a problem with it now". Her head dipped in acknowledgment and she laid back against the seat. A few minutes passed before Eli parked the car in front of Clare's building. He got out of the car and went around to open the door for Clare. He held out his hand to her and she gripped it tightly and stood. "Ready?" he said as he took her into a short hug. "Fine" she said, pulling back but still holding tightly onto his hand.**

_Forever, Forever now! _

(I've already kinda got the next chapter planned out, like what song im gonna use and all. so i think it should be good. hope you enjoy ^.^)_  
><em>


	4. 4 Teenagers

(Okay. A bunch of stuff. Im sorry for not writing at all in the last two months. i dont know if anyone cares or anything, but yea. i sortof got in a shit-ton of family trouble, which ended up with me with no computer or phone access. i just recently got part of my life back. and yea. school started, so ill be getting that comp back[the one i usually type my shit on] and yea. summers over, school sucks. so ill be writing whenever i can i know this chapters short, no joke, got my comp back yesterday, so i wrote and then yea.. i like venting through this story, and i hope at least a few people enjoy. anyhow, im just ranting. chapter 4, after month of anxious[or nonchalant] waiting. ta-da.)

I haven't owned degrassi. i don't own degrassi. i will never own degrassi.

_**The Only Hope For Me is You Alone**_

_Chapter Four. __Teenagers_

**Eli and Clare walked up the steps in the dim glow emanating from the lights lining the street. Their hands were intertwined, Clare's knuckles white from the steel grip she had on Eli's hand. **_**He hated that he was making her do this, but he couldn't let her stay at his house without resolving this first, he simply didn't know what Helen would do. She could range from not being able to caring less to accusing him off kidnapping. And regardless of how this went, Clare was coming back with him. **_**He stopped at the door with Clare trailing him, hiding behind him as a shy, young child might try to do. He motion to the doorbell with his head and Clare widening her eyes in response. Sighing with grim resignation, she pressed the glowing button and pulled back her hand quickly as if expecting it to bite. Eli put a comforting arm around her shoulders, and pulled her unwillingly out of her hiding space to standing slightly in front of him.**

_They're gonna clean up their looks_

_With all the lies in the books_

_To make a citizen out of you_

**A gaunt woman pulled open the door partly, placing herself in the only space between the door and the frame. Her eyes were a steel blue and her mousey hair was streaked with grey. She was wearing a pale outfit, matching blouse and skirt, with lavender flowers dotting the pale gray cloth. Her face betrayed no emotion, but the dark bags under her eyes set off an aura of exhaustion around her. "You", she flung the work like a spear at Eli. Her glance shifted to her daughter for a moment, but she spared the force of her glare for Eli. Clare flinched and cringed away from the door, but Eli met the woman's furious glare with one of his own, his emerald eyes flickering dangerously. Finally her gaze fell solely on Clare, and she spoke with no passion in her voice, "To your room. Now." Head ducked, Clare began with small steps through the now clear path into the house. Eli grabbed her arm with a strong yet gentle grip, his eyes not leaving the face of the woman who stood before him. Moving back, Clare shifted her weight uncomfortably from side to side, keeping her head down trying to cover the glances she stole at her mothers face.**

_Because they sleep with a gun_

_And keep an eye on you, son_

_So they can watch all the things you do_

_**So this was the woman Clare called her mother. Eli had never really had a conversation with the woman, much less gotten to know her. He knew for certain she had never liked him, and this event would surely do nothing more than add fuel to the fire of reasons she had to dislike him. But then again, if this was the way she acted and behaved, he wasn't sure he would have **_**wanted**_** to know her.**_** Eli looked at Clare briefly, telling her silently to stay. She looked dejectedly at the ground, confusion and frustration with the situation showing itself across her face. Seeing Clare standing motionless, Helen's eyes widened with surprise and anger and she spoke, he voice heightening with anger at the loss of control in the situation, "Excuse me?". Eli's, voice stayed even and rational, but at the edge of his voice those listening could hear the strain to keep control of the building anger, "Clare has some issues that you two need to discuss, I am here to… let us say **_**moderate…**_** your discussion." Ignoring her protests he continued in a fluid voice, "and if you have and issues with that… well there isn't much you can do now is there?" Mouth pursed she glared at him, and in no attempt to keep the act of calm up, she motioned inside with her hand, the other gripping the door with white knuckles. Eli forced his signature smirk to cross his face, despite his discomfort with putting Clare in this position. **

_Because the drugs never work_

_They're gonna give you a smirk _

'_cause they got methods of keeping you clean_

_They're gonna rip up your heads_

_Your aspirations to shreds_

_Another cog in the murder machine_

**Helen walked into the dining room, and with motions lacking grace pulled out a chair and sat heavily in it. Eli pulled out a chair across the table from her for Clare then pulled out the one beside it for himself. Sitting down and weaving his fingers together he looked at Helen who sat expressionless. She spoke as Clare sat, "And what do you expect to gain from coming here." Clare looked at Eli cautiously and then began to speak, fumbling over her words, them being nothing more than meaningless stuttering to fill the silence. Cutting her off suddenly, Eli spoke harshly, "What did you do to her." Confusion flickered across her face, followed by rage at the accusation, "What do you mean 'what did I do to her', and what makes you think you have any right to talk like this to **_**me**_** about **_**my**_** daughter?". "I think I have every right, I care more about her then you do, and like you said, she's your daughter", sarcasm dripped from his voice with the last words. "Of course I care about here, why do you think I would try to keep her away from people like you?" she sat back, spite written across her expression.**

_They said all_

_Teenagers scare _

_The living shit out of me_

_They could care less _

_As long as someone will bleed_

_So darken your clothes_

_Or strike a violent pose_

_Maybe they'll leave you alone_

_But not me_

_**Clare sat back, biting her lip hard enough that the metallic taste of blood filled her mouth. This fight was her fault. Just like always, wasn't it? Eli and her mother, fighting over her. Why did she even tell Eli? She knew exactly how it would end; he would try to be overprotective and dramatic. She told everyone he scared her, that she hated his possessiveness, but how could she hate it when it was the only attention she got? Now they were fighting over her, and she couldn't even tell Eli the whole truth, even though it wasn't her fault. **_**"Shut Up! Shut the Hell Up!" Clare screeched, pounding her fists heavily on the table. The meaningless insults and constant petty arguments from both Eli and her mother ceased, both of them sitting in shocked silence. "You know Exactly what the Hell he's Talking about. My **_**goddamn black eye**_**. The one you **_**Goddamn gave me.**_**" Clare stood suddenly, throwing the chair crashing backwards. Storming into the kitchen, Eli and Helen followed her, still in a shocked silence. She threw open the freezer, grabbing something from the bottom shelves. She held up a half empty bottle of vodka, the glass fogging from the temperature change in the air from the freezer to her hand. Eli stood back and let the events sink in slowly, while Helen stood with shock fading into astonishment, and fear. Clare walked over to the sink, wearing a forced, cruel smile, and expression Eli had never seen her wear before. Still staring at Helen, she turned the bottle over, the fiery liquid swirling down the sink.**

_The boys and girls in the clique_

_The awful names that they stick_

_Yer never gonna fit in much kid_

_But if your troubled and hurt_

_What you got under your shirt_

_Will make them pay for the things that they did_

**Stopping with a little bit left in the bottle, Clare looked at in for a moment, then put the freezing bottle to her lips, and leaned her head back, the shimmering liquid disappearing into her mouth. Forcing herself to swallow, she grimaced, then shivered. Helen dropped to the floor, her feet sliding and her back hitting the door of the cupboard she fell against. Eli stood frozen, his eyes glued to Clare. Tears leaked down her cheeks as she dropped the empty bottle to the ground. The bottle shattered into sparkling pieces, the shards hitting the ground besides the teardrops. Eli jumped forward, his combat boots crunching on the glass, and grabbed Clare. Leading her out the door he stopped, and looked at Helen, still on the ground, a blank expression gracing her face. "Get help", He said with no emotion as he walked out the door, Clare sobbing and pulling away from him.**

_They said all_

_Teenagers scare _

_The living shit out of me_

_They could care less _

_As long as someone will bleed_

_So darken your clothes_

_Or strike a violent pose_

_Maybe they'll leave you alone_

_But not me_

(im sorry i didn't write more. i promise i will next time. maybe after i get some sleep. sleep is hard to come by x.x im posting it now, before i re-read it, decide it's bullshit, and delete it. i hope you enjoyed. i love you all. maybe not you all, but.. im trying to be nice and fair xD hope you enjoyed? oh. sorry about my potty-mouth, bad words. if anyone has a problem or such? oh well. ranting again. buhbye. WAIT WAIT WAIT. as far as the new degrassi/clare/jake/eli/imogen/crap? although i am watching the new episodes, untill something worthwhile occurs, it is not being part of my writing. is crap.)_  
><em>


	5. 5 Cemetery Drive

(so, here is some more of the story. i know i said i would get things up quicker, but stuff sucks, so ill try whenever i can. i personally don't know how i did on this, but yea. hopefully it is decent. it is pretty depressing, my writing coincides with my moods. so yea... well. if it doesn't make sense, sorry, ask and i shall explain. at least this chapter is longer than that last one. so, enjoy.)

i do not own Degrassi, nor the song Cemetary drive by My Chemical Romance. i dont even own this crap ass school laptop.

**_The Only Hope For Me Is You Alone_**

_Chapter Five. Cemetery Drive _**  
><strong>

**The door slammed shut behind them as they walked into the dim light of the sunset. Clouds loomed ominously, surrounding the pink patches of sky with their dull gray, zigzagged with bright bursts of lighting. The slightest drizzle signaled the soon coming storm. Clare ran ahead, yanking her arm from Eli's grasp, "Go! Go away from me! Leave!", she gasped. Her eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears. Eli's eyes widened, then he shook his head, "Get in the car, you can't stay here right now." Despite her pulling away, he put his arms around her and led her to Morty. He sat her in the passenger seat, where she stopped fighting and sat still, glaring out the window. He closed the door and got in the other side, starting the car while Clare sat still, tears running down her reddened cheeks.**

_This night, walk the dead  
>In a solitary style<br>And crash the cemetery gates.  
>In the dress your husband hates.<br>Way down, mark the grave  
>Where the search lights find us<br>Drinking by the mausoleum door  
>And they found you on the bathroom floor.<br>_

_**He was so sorry, he may have just cost Clare her mother. But hopefully not a mother figure, Cece could help. He wasn't sure Clare would want that though. Why did he go up and talk to her, now he was seeing how he brought this upon himself, he just couldn't let go of her. And just now he was realizing that it would be healthier for him if he did. But he couldn't now, not after starting this, no matter how much he wished he could.**_** The car was silent, the only noise was the tires bumping over the road. Droplets of water speckled the windshield, only to be wiped away by the wiper dragging itself lazily across the glass. Clare stared sullenly out the window, her tears mirroring the rain sliding down the window. Eli shook his head, his dark hair covering his emerald eyes and the dark emotions that shone through them. He turned the knob for volume, putting it just loud enough to hear, and he fell into the rhythm of one of his favorites, and it seemed oddly appropriate at the moment; ****_I'm Not Okay (I Promise) _by My Chemical Romance. He kept his gaze on the road ahead of the hearse, and although he could feel Clare's gaze occasionally fall upon him, he restrained from glancing in her direction. Soon, the small droplets of rain grew, now fat drops splatted against the car, and the windshield wipers worked furiously to keep the the drops from covering the window too much. The car pulled smoothly to a stop, in front of Eli's house. An addition to the view from earlier, an old, beat up truck sat besides the sidewalk. Eli got out of the car into the rain, and pulled open the passenger door, allowing Clare to clamber out into the rain.**

_I miss you, I miss you so far.  
>And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.<br>_

**Clare stood in front of him for a moment, staring at the ground. He looked at her, searching her face and trying to read her emotions. The rain poured down, soaking both of them. Clare looked up finally, her face set with a determination that Eli couldn't read. Her face tilted upwards, the rain streamed down her face, the light reflecting off of the water. In a fluid motion, she moved forward, standing up on her toes and pressed her lips against Eli's. After a moment of shocked hesitation, Eli lowered his head, returning the pressure. His hands wavered helpless at his sides, at loss of what to do. His eyes were tightly shut, and he moved one of his hands to the base of her back, pulling her close as he had been longing to do for so many months. His other hand weaved through her curly hair, and pressing her face even more closely to his. He felt her tongue grazing his bottom lip, and he exhaled sharply, almost a sigh. He pulled his face back, eyes still shut. His hands dropped back to his sides, clenched into fists. His short black polished nails dug into his palms and his knuckles white. Without saying a word he opened his eyes walked inside, Clare trailing him. He glanced at her face, her cheeks on fire, and oceanic eyes avoiding his emerald ones.**

_Back home, off the run.  
>Singing songs that make you slit your wrists.<br>It isn't that much fun,  
>Staring down a loaded gun.<br>So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying.  
>If you want I'll keep on crying.<br>Did you get what you deserve?  
>Is this what you always want me for?<br>_

**He opened the door, and the living room was dim, the only light coming from the bursts of lighting outside of the window and a sliver from the nearly closed door to Bullfrog and Cece's room. Shaking his hair out, he strode to the door, knocking twice to make his presence known, and walking in. Bullfrog sat on the bed, his shoes kicked off and his gazed fixated on the television. Eli spoke softly, but loud enough to be heard over the television, "Clare's here, I know I didn't talk to you about it before.. she needs a place to stay. If anything ill give up my room and sleep on the couch, but we have to let her stay here at least for a little. Either way, she is here right now. Ill be back in a bit, but shes here." Bullfrog searched his sons face for a moment, and after a look of concern he nodded, "it'll be fine. Just be careful for yourself." Eli stood, his face stony for a moment, and nodded then walked out of the room. "Clare", he motioned to his room and she followed. Eli spoke without emotion, "you can sleep here. I'll be back shortly." he walked out as Clare stood there with confusion on her face. Striding into the kitchen for a moment, Eli opened a drawer and pulled something out of it, then quickly sliding it into his jacket pockets. He walked back out the front door, into the rain that was still pouring down. Pulling his jacket tightly around himself, he walked down the slick sidewalk with his boots splashing slightly in the puddles, and the rain running through his hair and into his eyes. **

_I miss you, I miss you so far.  
>And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.<br>_

_**Why. Why. Why. Why did it have to be his dealing with this. She put him through hell and back, and he still couldn't do a thing about it. Why dis he even have to talk to her that night, why didn't he just ignore her and go on his way.**_** He climbed into the drivers seat of the hearse, then turned on the engine. He put the heater on and turned the CD player up obnoxiously loud. He pushed his hair out of his face and pulled out into the road and began driving. H****_e couldn't be there. He could not be near Clare. _He drove down the roads, his mind elsewhere, but he paid enough attention not to crash. His throat felt choked, and his cheeks burned. He didn't know what to do. He pulled to a intersection with a red light, and he slowed to a stop. Only three cars drove across, and one other car was on the other side, waiting for the green light at he was. He pressed hid forehead against the steering wheel, and he bit his lip to keep a sob from escaping. He gripped the wheel until his knuckles turned white. The green light illuminated the interior of the car and he pressed his foot down lightly on the pedal. He continued forward, a purpose finally in mind. The streets were empty and the slick roads were illuminated with the light from the store fronts. Pulling up alongside a chain link fence, he put the hearse into park. **

_Way down, way down  
>Way down, way down<br>Way down, way down  
>Way down, way down.<br>_

**Eli climbed out of the car into the now light sprinkles of rain falling from the sky. He looked up to the gray clouds then walked to the back of Morty. He swung out the doors and reached inside, grabbing something from the back of the hearse. Shoving it into a pocket in the interior of his jacket, he slammed the doors shut and walked up the the fence, and gracefully jumped it and landed on the other side and fell to his knees. Straightening himself up, he wiped of his pants from the dirt and leaves. Walking forward in the dark, he strode confidently through the tall trees that surrounded him. He came upon the old structure of a building. Once beautiful architecture, left to nature, and now, turned into the skeleton of a church. Two entire walls were no longer standing, leaving bricks and bits of cement and metal as rubble on the ground. All that remained of the once beautiful stained glass windows were scattered bits of colored glass mixed with the rocks and debris on the rain-soddened ground. He walked to the still standing corner of the building, under the small bit of roofing that remained,and sat down on the dry ground there. His back was pressed against the cold stone and he leaned his head back, looking up at the clouded sky. He bit his lip, drawing blood and tears rolled down his face, his brilliant green eyes rimmed with red. **

_I miss you, I miss you so far.  
>And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.<br>_

**Pulling the glass bottle out of his inner jacket pocket, he looked at the amber liquid inside. Taking of the cap, he took a deep sip of it, chest burning. Setting it upright beside him, he dug through his other pocket, finally grabbing a small plastic case. He opened it up, revealing a small piece of metal, light glinting off the shining edge. He rolled his right jacket sleep up to the elbow, and took off the numerous chains and bands he wore on his arm. Taking another gulp of the fiery liquid, he took the blade in his left hand, and turned it over a few times, looking at the razor edge. He placed it to the skin near the inside of his elbow, and pressed gently, staring at the blood immediately oozing out of the wound ad he dragged the blade smoothly across the skin. His arm felt as if it was set on fire. Moving the edge down his forearm he repeated the motion, over and over, leaving thirteen, neat, even, shallow wounds, dripping blood down his arm onto the cement below. The scarlet drops turned dark as they hit the ground. The tears ran down his his cheeks leaving spots in the cement besides the darkened red ones.**

_When will I miss you, when will I miss you so far.  
>And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.<br>Made it so hard  
><em>

**Eli dropped the razor, still stained with the red of his blood. _What would Clare say? Then again... why should he care what Clare would say. But this was what he just told her not to do. He didn't care. Why should he care, she still didn't want him. And if she did... well he wasn't sure he could handle the situation. He first lost Julia. Then he lost Clare. He didn't want to loose her twice, and he knew no good would come of it. The whole scene before him trembled and spinned, and he felt warmth running through his veins in all but his arm. His arm was burning, and felt heavy. _Looking down through the haze that was in his eyes, he saw his pale skin streaked with red. Sitting motionless, the only noise that reached his ears was the pleasant one of rustling leaves in the rain and the storm itself, and although the occasional siren or car from the nearby street reminded him of his location, he could pretend he was somewhere else. _Somewhere where Clare didn't matter_. He shut his eyes, feeling numb. The quite sinking in, the sudden jolt of a vibration in his pocket cause him to jump. Reaching with his left arm into his pocket, and pulled out a scratched and battered cellphone, its dim screen illuminated with a picture of Clare grinning while on a swing set. The beep that followed let him know that a message had been left. Quickly taking another few sips of the liquid, he set the phone on his lap staring at it. Then, it buzzed once more, the words of a text message showing, "Eli. Its me. Clare. Where are you?". He gripped the phone tightly in his hand, and cocking his arm back, threw it into the trees and rain. _Why was she doing this to him._**

_Way down, way down  
>Way down, way down<br>Way down, way down  
>Way down, way down<br>Way down. _

__(Anyyyyhoowwwwww... ... yea. Review, anything, that would be great. I will try to get another chapter up soon.. so. yea. buhbye.)


	6. 6 Disenchanted

(so. yea. honestly, its 1:44 in the morning and i just finished this, so i don't know it its good, makes sense, anything. okay, in this part, the italicized and bold stuff is more flashback than a thought per-say. and yea... well. i actually kinda like it. it gets a bit graphic sortof i guess in this chap. but nothing too bad. its alot longer than i expected it to be, so i think thats pretty good. enjoy my dears.)

I Do Not Own Degrassi, or the song Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance, but i do own my own terrible singing voice with which i completely sing along to the the amazing music by MCR.

_Chapter Six. Disenchanted_

_Well I was there on the day_ _  
>They sold the cause for the queen<em> _  
>And when the lights all went out<em> _  
>We watched our lives on the screen<em> _  
>I hate the ending myself<em>  
><em>But it started with a alright scene<em>

**Eli closed his eyes tightly, and clenched his fists, his nails leaving bloody crescents in his palms. Behind his eyelids, he was seeing something different from the scene before him. _He saw Julia, he saw her sitting across from him here at the derelict church. Her black hair framed her face, moving gently in the wind. Her eyes were rimmed with black, in an attractive way, and her body was adorned with black formfitting clothes. Around her neck hung a single thin silver chain, and dangling from it was a small locket, a silver metal heart with black enamel coating it. In the center was a sparkling emerald, reflecting the color of his own eyes. On the side was a shining hinge, keeping it shut. Sunshine brightened the mood of the old building, and the surrounding trees were glowing with the green light of sunlight filtering through trees. Julia reached over and entwined their fingers, both of their hands adorned with rings and nailed painted black. She moved forward and touched her lips to his, hers tasting slightly of cherry. He moved even closer, and put her arms around his shoulders, bringing herself to sitting on his lap. Looking down into his eyes, she smiled, and leaned forward, kissing him again. Putting his hand on the back of her head, he deepened the kiss. She hooked her arms around his neck and her breathing hitched. Her tongue grazed his lips, and he obliged, enjoying the moment. Suddenly the buzz of her phone on the cement beside them distracted them, pulling away from each other. Eli reached for the phone, but Julia snatched it before he could read it. Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then with the click of a button, the phone disappeared into her pocket. Moving back, within moments their lips were moving against each other's once again._**

_It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing_ _  
>It was a lie when they smiled and said you won't feel a thing<em>  
><em>And as we ran from the cops<em>  
><em>We laughed so hard it would sting (yeah, yeah, oh)<em>

**Eli's phone buzzed and rang in the slight distance, the rain hadn't destroyed it yet. But Eli couldn't hear it. He was a million miles away, his eyes were glassy and unfocused and tears ran endlessly down his face. _Everything blurred. Suddenly the sun was nearing the horizon, they were still at the church, Julia leaning against him, her head resting on his shoulder. His jacket was draped around her shoulders, and they sat gazing at the brilliantly colored sunset. "I love you", she said, her voice soft. "I love you too. I always will" he responded. She looked up at his face, not saying anything, but just looking at him. Her eyes were a pale gray blue, and his face reflected in them. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, then hugged her tightly._**

_If I'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)_ _  
>How can you listen all night long (night long, night long)<em> _  
>Now will it matter after I'm gone<em> _  
>Because you never learn a God damn thing<em>

**For a moment, Eli was once again looking into the slowing rain. Grimacing, he took a gulp of the fiery drink, and then picked up the razor that had fallen to the ground. He looked at his blood covered arm, and then touched the metal to his wrist. In a fluid motion, he traced the pale, slightly visible line that ran along his entire forearm. The large wound was deeper than the others, and was weeping blood instantly. His vision faltered, and he closed his eyes. _Once again the scene changed. Eli was in his room, with Julia sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed. She was only wearing a lacy bra and her skintight black jeans. Eli heard his own voice, even though he wasn't speaking, "Are you sure... Julia...". Her voice was soft and light, though it had a dark edge, "Of course, Eli. I love you." Julie slid forward on the bed, resting down on his lap. "I'm nervous..", he admitted. "This is your first?" she questioned, almost sounding surprised. "Err... yea.. I thought this was your first too..." He stuttered. "yea... well... yea." she said, hesitating. Then, she dipped her head along Eli's neck, nibbling down along his collar bone. His protests were cut short and instead his breathing grew heavy. Julia unbuttoned her pants, and peeled them off her legs, revealing smooth, evenly tanned legs. He sat back down on his lap, rubbing herself against him, drawing out his heaving breathing even more. He sat, unsure of what to do. She put her hand between then and undid his studded belt, and unzipped his pants. Wriggling out of the rest of her own clothes and helping him with his, she lowered herself down slowly, and Eli closed his eyes and threw back his head._**

_You're just a sad song_ _  
>With nothing to say<em>  
><em>About a lifelong wait for a hospital stay<em>  
><em>And if you think that I'm wrong<em> _  
>This never meant nothing to ya<em>

**A teenager walked along the damp sidewalk in the slight drizzle that now accompanied the cloud cover. Wearing a pair of khaki pants and a purple polo shirt, underneath a Degrassi jacket, the person had short, sandy cut hair, and a very plain figure, neither specifically masculine nor feminine. Again, Eli's phone rang, catching the attention of the student. Searching for the noise, they hopped the fence with apparent ease and began searching for the source of the noise. _He was sitting with Julia in the back of the hearse, it was messy, but homey nonetheless. Julia was leaning against the window, her eyes pointed out the window into the sky. "I think it is going to rain, I absolutely love the rain. It's beautiful", she said, her gaze still aimed upward. "Just like you", Eli said, his voice cheesy with the cliché. She giggled slightly and kissed him on the the cheek. "Julia.. look. I have something ask you" Eli said, grabbing her wrist gently. "Yes?", she asked, her voice wavering with nervousness. "I know we can't yet. But I want to. Julia, one day I want to marry you, but what I can do right now is give you this", he slipped a glimmering piece of silver onto her ring finger. Around it, it read _Forever and always, you are mine._ Looking into his eyes she smiled, her pale blue pools filling with glistening tears, "Yes. Elijah Goldsworthy. I love you." he gathered her in his arms and kissed her, on the head, cheeks, and finally her lips, "one day, I will be able to call you mine for real.", he murmured into her dark hair._**

_I spent my high school career_ _  
>Spit on and shoved to agree<em> _  
>So I could watch all my heros<em> _  
>Sell a car on T.V.<em>  
><em>Bring out the old guillotine<em> _  
>We'll show them what we all mean (yeah, yeah, oh)<em>

**Adam found the source of the noise, a phone he instantly recognized as Eli's, with a shattered screen. Looking around anxiously, he picked up the device. Pressing the talk button and holding it to his ear, he heard nothing but the static of a broken speaker. He walked forward, towards the old church that had once been grounds for Eli and him to spend long evenings talking about nothing, reading comics, and listening to music. Slowly turning around the decaying building and broken bricks, he saw a growing pool of blood. Panic racing his heartbeat, he took one more step, to find Eli, with his back against the brick, and his blood and an overturned bottle of whiskey mixing together on the cement. Blood obscured all the skin on Eli's right arm, running onto his pants and then then the ground. His face was calm, but reddened eyes and smeared eyeliner told otherwise. "Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Eli. Fuck! Eli! Eli!" Adam yelled, dropping to his knees besides his friend. _Eli walked up to the front door of a strange house. The door was already swung open, and he could feel the beat of loud, obnoxious music through his body. The smell of food and booze and smoke filled his nose. Walking in confidently, but quietly, he scanned the crowd for Julia. He had said he didn't know if he could make it, but she could go without him. Finding that his preplanned activity had fallen apart, so he came to surprise her here. Walking up to counter, he saw a tray of shot glasses, he grabbed one and drank the contents in one mouthful then set the class back down on the tray. Reaching into an ice chest on the ground near the counter, he grabbed a Mikes Hard Lemonade, and walked slowly from room to room. He took small sips of the fruity drink, and continues looking for Julia. He walked into what would normally be the living room of the house, and sitting on the couch as if no one else was around, were two people in a harsh embrace, their lips locked to each other. Their eyes were clenched shut, but their hands roamed freely. He recognized the dark hair the boys hand was currently tangled in, as well as the short skirt and midriff shirt that concealed next to none of the evenly tanned skin of the person it adorned. "WHAT THE FUCK!", Eli yelled, a shocking anger arising in his voice. Everyone stopped, and their heads spun to see who was yelling, and why. Julia's head spun to him, her eyes widening in terror, she scrambled off the boys lap to the couch beside him. Without missing a beat, Eli jumped forward and in a flash punched the boy in the face, earning the satisfying crunch of his first and rings making contact with his nose. Blood exploded from the boys nose, drenching the boys shirt and pants before he even had the chance to rise from his position on the couch. Flashing his middle finger and letting loose a string of expletives directed at Julia, he walked out of the house with his head held high, and ignoring the hordes of people staring at him._**

_If I'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)_  
><em>How could you listen all night long (night long, night long)<em>  
><em>Now will it matter after I'm gone<em> _  
>Because you never learn a God damn thing<em>

**Adam fumbled with his phone, dialing 911 with shaking hands. Tears streaked his face and he shook Eli's shoulder. The only movement indicating Eli was still alive was the rapid movements of his chest, and his emerald eyes moving spasmodically under blackened eyelids. "Fuck... Fuck... please pi- Hello! Hey! I need an ambulance, her now. My friend- my friend- my, hes bleeding. So much. Its fucking everywhere... please... please help" Adam choked at the person on the other line, finally giving directions to the derelict building. He gripped Eli's left hand, squeezing it tightly. _Eli was in the front seat of Morty, pounding the steering wheel with his fists. He screamed, his voice now hoarse. No tears ran down his face, he was filled with a fiery anger though. Veins bulged on his neck, and his knuckles were scraped and bleeding from punching every wall on the way to the hearse from the house. He turned on the ignition, and turned the radio up high, the angry screaming music filling the car and his ears. To mad to even pay attention to the lyrics, his head bobbed by habit to the fast beat of the music. Looking behind him to back the hearse out of the parking job he had done, he saw Julia sprinting to the car, her arms flailing in an attempt to stop him from leaving. His face set with anger, he honked, indicating to her that she should get the hell __out of the way. Julia walked to Eli's window, looking in at him. Rolling down the window, with an adamant face and even tone, Eli spoke, "Get the hell away from me, now.". Her eyes pleading with his, she begged, "Please. Please Eli, let me talk to you. Please.". "Fine, get in", he said, immediately kicking himself internally for the knee-jerk reaction. A half smile momentarily hitting her face, she climbed into the passenger seat. Eli could smell the strong scent of alcohol emanating from her. Within moments, she was trying to kiss him, mumbling half apologies as she tried to kiss him. "Stop!", Eli shouted. Julia seemed to sober up, looking him dead in the eye. "Julia... Who is he." Eli questioned softly, sadness echoing in his weary voice..._**

_You're just a sad song_  
><em>With nothing to say<em>  
><em>About a lifelong wait for a hospital stay<em> _  
>And if you think that I'm wrong<em> _  
>This never meant nothing to ya<em>

**Blaring sirens and flashing lights appeared on the other side of the fence as Adam was frantically calling Eli's house, trying to get to an answer. EMTs walked up, their expressions serious as they asked Adam to move away a bit. Protesting, he froze, as a voice answered on the other line. "Hello?", Clare's soft voice shocked Adam, but he didn't want to question about it now. "Get Cece and Bullfrog, tell them to head to the hospital. Don't ask, just listen." He said, butting through Clare's interruptions, and hitting the end button on his phone. _Eli woke up, his head throbbing and his arm completely numb. Both his family and Julia's surrounded him. Looking around, all he saw was sterile white, and the smell stung his nose. He looked down at the arm that he could not feel,seeing it was covered by gauze, tightly wound around the entire fore-arm. Julia's family.. they must hate him... it was his fault that Julia died just hours before. Hours? Days? He didn't know how much time passed between him leaving the hospital and him arriving here for his own cause. They all spoke, comforting and questioning, but he did not respond. His face was unchanging, his eyes fixed upon his forearm. Closing his eyes, he went back to sleep, ignoring the people around him._**

_So go_  
><em>Go away<em> _  
>Just run<em>  
><em>Run away<em>  
><em>But where did you run to?<em> _  
>Where did you hide?<em> _  
>Go and find another way<em> _  
>Price you pay<em>

**Adam sat in the waiting room, his head buried in his hands, when Cece and Bullfrog ran in, with Clare trailing behind. The doctor cut them off as they rushed to Adam, and after a few minutes of quiet, rushed talking, they walked slowly over to him. The adults sitting in chairs across the room, Clare rushed over to Adam and took him in a hug, tears running down her face. Adam sat still, both from shock and confusion as why she would be here. Glancing at the clock, he noted that it now read 10:47 p.m. He had already called his parents and Drew was now driving over to meet him. **_**Eli was just sitting in what appeared to be nothing. He was surrounded by shapeds that had no definite form, and there was no definite source of light nor direction. Below his feet was a soft gray that simultaneously seemed to be under his nose and thousands of feet way. Looking up he saw Julia smile at him. Her lips moved to make a sound, but the overwhelming silence seemed to **__**plug his ears. Every noise her heard he was making, the thoughts buzzing in his head, and his breath, catching in his lungs at the sight of Julia. Even she had no definite form, her clothes changed in less that a blink of an eye, her body was blurring, and even her hair and makeup changed. Every appearance he had ever scene of her was flashing through his vision, blending together. Suddenly he tried to reach out to touch her cheek, and she faded, only to appear no more than two feet away once again. Dropping to his knees, he screamed in helplessness, and although the noise did not reach his ears, he felt it through his body. He opened his eyes again, this time the scene was bleached white.**_** Glaring lights were overhead, blinding him. All surrounding him was pure white and hospital machines.**_** He had already been here once. This was all to familiar. But, as far as he remembered, he had only been here once... unless it was happening again. **_**Looking down at his arm, he saw fresh white gauze. **

_You're just a sad song_ _  
>With nothing to say<em>  
><em>About a lifelong hospital stay<em>  
><em>And if you think that I'm wrong<em>  
><em>Then this never meant nothing to ya<em>  
><em>C'mon<em> _  
>You're just a sad song<em> _  
>With nothing to say<em>  
><em>About a lifelong hospital stay<em>  
><em>And if you think that I'm wrong<em> _  
>Then this never meant nothing to ya<em>  
><em>At (at all, at all, at all) <em>

(well... yea. ta-da. tell me what you thing please, that would be great. oh. any if you have any fantastic ideas for upcoming stuff, that would be great, im sure it wont be long untill i start pulling blanks for ideas. well. pleasssseee tell me what you think of this, anything would be greate. and those of you that have reviewed, i love you guys so frekin much. i know it doesnt make sense to feel all proud about something that no one i know cares about, but the fact that people i dont really know like it makes my day. i freking love you. so. well. yea. sleep. i should get some. _goodnight all.)_

_**Oh HEYYYY you should vote on my poll. its about this story. i want a general direction. vote. *gives everyone who does an epic hug***  
><em>


	7. author's note

Soooooooo. People who are reading my fanfiction, I reeeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyy need a direction. I have two polls up so if you can vote on them that would amazing. I have, not so much writers block, but so many options that I dont know what tangent to follow. Ill have another chapter up as soon as I can write it after I get some votes on the polls.

Anyhow, i do hate putting author's notes unless really important. so as soon as i get enough votes or such i will take this down and in its stead put up the next chapter.

.


End file.
